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Last night...

I had fun last night, I hung out with my sister and got really high, I'm not really one for doing that. But it was fun. We just talked a lot about crap really haha about men and her friends and money and Idk just whatever really. She struggles too with depression and weird eating habits, I think hers might be more eating disorder tho or I'm not sure, I can't really say when Im not her you know. Me and her used to be really close, and we did a whole lot of really fucked up things like telling each other to starve or purge and supporting each other when we didn't eat and lost more weight and that sort of thing. That was a few years back now when thinspo was really big on Tumblr. I dont think she's doing so well right now, she barely eats, and gets stoned everyday. She's a single mum, and the father is a real dick, she's trying to get him to sign over his rights now, because he's bad for her son, he's unreliable and irresponsible and immature and doesn't even care about the kid, he just uses him to have a way of controlling her. Its not a very nice situation actually.
She does have good friends tho, who understand what being a single mum is like, and the awful partners. She's very careful now, because her son was an accident, she's almost over careful because she cannot get knocked up again with a guy who's not serious about her and doesn't love her etc.

Life is hard, we make mistakes and all have our own problems. And I guess we're not alone even tho we may feel like it. It really nice seeing her, puts things into perspective for me. Ive had this depression for a long long time. And its just time to move on now. I really want to be a scientist (cardiologist) and this depression will take it away from me. Its not as easy as just 'moving on' but its ruining my life, so, if I want something then I should suck up the fear and just go for it. The world is bigger than me.

Day 0 (again)

I do stuff when I get sad, my level of sadness kind of decides, but it always makes me unhappy, always makes me feel like I'm starting from day 0 again. Why do I do this stuff that always sets me back and makes me feel like shit? Tbh I don't know.

I don't know where my problems stem from or even know what really the hell is wrong with me, but I  tend to blame myself and my size, it stops me from doing stuff 'I'm too fat so I can't go to uni today' 'I can't leave the house today because I ate that' which is so stupid and not even the root of my problems. I need to email my subject dean about how I'm doing, but what do I tell her 'I'm not doing well, I'm not failing, but my grades have slipped because I'm too fat. Sorry' she'd be like 'wtf?' and its not even because I'm too fat! I just feel sad and I don't even have a word to describe it, but it just makes me feel like I can't leave the house or be around people, so I don't, and then as like a form of self punishment or rebellion against myself (??) Ill not do my study and watch Netflix with chips instead, or pizza, and just beat myself up about it later.

Ridiculous right? But no one understands because its not an eating disorder, I just have a bad bad relationship with food and I do hate my size (I hate using the word weight) but this depression truely isn't about that. I may make it about that, but its just the surface issues, not my deep rooted problems. Maybe its about control over my life? Im not sure, but when ever I start to feel good again and want to get better, I stop eating badly and workout and I get to a more desirable size, but that always and only lasts 4-6 months and then THE DEPRESSION COMES BACK! I don't even know why!!! the thoughts just come back, I stop being able to concentrate, and the tv watching and unhealthy eating, stop working out, staying at home and avoiding people comes back! So yeah, no its not an eating disorder, its just part of a pattern of self destructive behaviour that starts my downward slide.

And its bs because I stop myself from going out and having fun because when I do I have all this screaming in my head telling me I'm worthless and fat and that no one even likes me.

I get anxious because of all these thoughts I can't hold conversations because I don't know what to say, I don't know how to interact with people and I always feel stupid when I open my mouth. At work a few new people have started and Ive hardly talked to them because I have no idea what to say lol I can't just start up a conversation like my other colleges do. I just have nothing to say.

Well, Im going to my sisters tonight to get drunk, or maybe get high (cuz I don't want the hangover) but I would rather cancel and stay home because I feel gross and fat and stupid, and she's thin as a pin. But when I was that thin I still had these same thoughts, I still thought I was fat, I still wanted to lose more weight. I think when I start to focus on food and my body and make the depression about that, it begins the downward sloop. And its a slippery slope, I can fall down it so quickly.

Thinking back a few months I remember studying for a test and feeling really anxious about it so I used food to try to calm myself, I got an A anyway, but thats when things started to slide, the following months I started studying less and using food more, and my overall grades were B+s instead of A's. So yeah, its not about food, its probably a self worth thing, I get anxious and scared that I'm not good enough, so I use the one thing that I can beat myself up about.

That makes sense at least.

Oh an one more thing that sounds really stupid and can't believe I'm publishing all of this for anyone to read, but I told my doctor once that I feel sad when I feel fat. So the obvious answer to that is to workout and stop eating crappy. OK. but when I get that sorted, the depression comes back and we start from day 0 all over again.

Ive been worse off than I am right now, and I don't want to get worse. But, how will it end so the cycle can end, how do I end this, how do I stop feeling sad and worthless and like things I do to try to better myself and move forward, why do I always stop them because the worthless feeling takes over. Why does the worthless feeling take over? Why am I worthless? IDK.

Long time no speak

Ive been away for a while, Ive wanted to post but I've had a few tests and lab reports to worry about so I haven't had much time.

I dont have that much to say, once during work I had thought up some things to write about because I dislike my job lol (understatement) and now I've forgotten what I even wanted to say, and then last week after I had two tests in one day I went and got a facial, I couldn't relax so I couldn't enjoy it properly and then I just felt depressed and sad and idk numb as I was walking around the city. I feel like that at work too, but is that just indulging this depression? Idk, I don't really understand it. Im supposed to be a med-sci student so I know scientifically whats going on in my brain but these feelings -like WHY? it doesn't make sense.

I haven't been able to concentrate so much so my grades have slipped a little bit, right now I'm only getting B's instead of A's. But I can't concentrate! I study for maybe two hours and my brain is like 'omg give me a break already!!!!!'

I used to read a lot, last summer I read 30 books maybe and it really helped with this depression, but then I also wanted to get better, so it was books and my will against this depression, but now its depression against me, because I can't concentrate on books properly -I don't get out of them what I did during the summer- and I'm tired of fighting, I am, why do I need to fight? I don't want to just give up but why do I need to fight? I don't want these thoughts consuming me and overcoming me, but I'm so alone! I have no one to talk to about this, no one understands, I don't even understand or wouldn't know where to start. But my boyfriend he had like a 'different' type of depression, if there is even a different type, idk I guess depression is really personalised and effects everyone differently. But I can't talk to him because he doesn't know what to say (who would though right?)
its just hard, because I feel alone, but if he were reading this he'd probably come and hug me and make me feel not alone, thats the reaction I would want, but I think he would tell me 'you can't let this destroy you, everything you've worked so hard for' I know he means well and I know what he's saying is true, but its not what I need because I know it already, but I just need a hug to know that I'm not alone.

Life among the dead

I really struggle with getting out of bed in the morning, I never thought this was one of my symptoms but it is, because I literally cannot do it. Ive had to take a few days off work where I start early because I knew I was going to be late, and I hate being late, sets off all kind of anxiety bells. I keep missing my uni classes because I wake up way after they've started. Its terrible, and I keep letting people down, but the thought of being in public idk, home has a certain kind of comfort, esp since I can study at home quite well. But what happens after I graduate and am put in a real job where I actually have to turn up everyday? How do people do it? I need to get pasts depression and leave it behind, I don't want to be defined by depression or controlled by it anymore. This is the reason for my bog, blogging about the struggles of being depressed and how I'm going to overcome it. So if no one ever reads it, well I guess its more for me to let things out anyway, but it would be cool to talk to other people, I lack that since I don't have many friends (actually only one -my boyfriend, which depression puts a huge strain on our relationship and I can't really talk to him about this anymore.) So if this blog ever finds anyone, please be my friend.

I was ment to meet a friend at uni to study with, but she cancelled on me last night so I decided I wasn't going in and I woke up at 12pm. Then I check my phone and she was there, this sleeping in thing is really costing me. Theres no point in complaining, I just need to find a way to move past all of this.

My day is going to consist of.. a pretty normal breakfast, and immunology study for a test I have next Friday.

A page from the chapter I am looking at. 

thoughts...

Reading other peoples blogs about depression, and its all so similar to whats going on in my head, I don't want to be like this, I don't want to have depression. It doesn't make you cool or special. It destroys your life and the away everyone and thing that you love. It leave you as a shell of a person until you can't go on anymore. Depression is not your friend, all it wants to do is kill you, don't let it win, don't...

Living with Depression

What is depression and why do we do what we do? Even when it harms us, and makes our situation 10x worse.

That is the question I do not have the answer for.

Depression is like having an evil voice in your head, not really speaking to you -no I wouldn't describe it like that, it more takes over your own rational thoughts, it makes you make bad decisions, and yes, we can control it. BUT when you're in so deep you can't control it, the helplessness is so severe its drowning you, it makes you feel so helpless and venerable that you actually believe that this is just you. Its just what you do, how you cope, what your life is. It defines you. You feel like you can't change or do anything different because even if you do depression will always find a way back, its like its inevitable. Those that depression picked out and clung on too, it never leaves. What depression makes us do, its like a comfort or a saftey blanket, even though its not fun or comforting, but we are alone, we don't have to face the consequences, this is what depression does.

Depression makes us lazy and mean, we push those that love us away and refuse to leave the house because the anxiety of facing the public or your boss/friends/anyone who matters is too great.

Anyone whose never experienced depression will scoff and think 'why do you do this to your self, why do you act this way, its not that hard to get out of bed and go to work like everyone else'. And yes this may sound true in theory, but living with depression, the anxiety becomes so bad that you can not force yourself to leave the bathrooms or bus or anywhere that isn't work. Depression takes away our confidence and sanity, it makes us weak and probably a little pathetic.

So how do we stop it from destroying our lives and taking away everything we love? Truthfully I don't know. I ask this everyday, why can I not cope like a normal person, why can I not just get up and deal with my day like everyone else. Why is it so hard for me? Why am I depressed and anxious? Why is this my life? Is this all its ever going to be?

I don't know how to deal with life. I don't know how to be normal like everyone else. Depression is a selfish and self-indulgent disorder, I will admit that, its not an excuse for not doing things or failing to meet deadlines. It just makes us so helpless and feel so inadequate.

This is the point where you need to ask for help, because struggling on your own isn't cutting it anymore.