I don't know where my problems stem from or even know what really the hell is wrong with me, but I tend to blame myself and my size, it stops me from doing stuff 'I'm too fat so I can't go to uni today' 'I can't leave the house today because I ate that' which is so stupid and not even the root of my problems. I need to email my subject dean about how I'm doing, but what do I tell her 'I'm not doing well, I'm not failing, but my grades have slipped because I'm too fat. Sorry' she'd be like 'wtf?' and its not even because I'm too fat! I just feel sad and I don't even have a word to describe it, but it just makes me feel like I can't leave the house or be around people, so I don't, and then as like a form of self punishment or rebellion against myself (??) Ill not do my study and watch Netflix with chips instead, or pizza, and just beat myself up about it later.
Ridiculous right? But no one understands because its not an eating disorder, I just have a bad bad relationship with food and I do hate my size (I hate using the word weight) but this depression truely isn't about that. I may make it about that, but its just the surface issues, not my deep rooted problems. Maybe its about control over my life? Im not sure, but when ever I start to feel good again and want to get better, I stop eating badly and workout and I get to a more desirable size, but that always and only lasts 4-6 months and then THE DEPRESSION COMES BACK! I don't even know why!!! the thoughts just come back, I stop being able to concentrate, and the tv watching and unhealthy eating, stop working out, staying at home and avoiding people comes back! So yeah, no its not an eating disorder, its just part of a pattern of self destructive behaviour that starts my downward slide.
And its bs because I stop myself from going out and having fun because when I do I have all this screaming in my head telling me I'm worthless and fat and that no one even likes me.
I get anxious because of all these thoughts I can't hold conversations because I don't know what to say, I don't know how to interact with people and I always feel stupid when I open my mouth. At work a few new people have started and Ive hardly talked to them because I have no idea what to say lol I can't just start up a conversation like my other colleges do. I just have nothing to say.
Well, Im going to my sisters tonight to get drunk, or maybe get high (cuz I don't want the hangover) but I would rather cancel and stay home because I feel gross and fat and stupid, and she's thin as a pin. But when I was that thin I still had these same thoughts, I still thought I was fat, I still wanted to lose more weight. I think when I start to focus on food and my body and make the depression about that, it begins the downward sloop. And its a slippery slope, I can fall down it so quickly.
Thinking back a few months I remember studying for a test and feeling really anxious about it so I used food to try to calm myself, I got an A anyway, but thats when things started to slide, the following months I started studying less and using food more, and my overall grades were B+s instead of A's. So yeah, its not about food, its probably a self worth thing, I get anxious and scared that I'm not good enough, so I use the one thing that I can beat myself up about.
That makes sense at least.
Oh an one more thing that sounds really stupid and can't believe I'm publishing all of this for anyone to read, but I told my doctor once that I feel sad when I feel fat. So the obvious answer to that is to workout and stop eating crappy. OK. but when I get that sorted, the depression comes back and we start from day 0 all over again.
Ive been worse off than I am right now, and I don't want to get worse. But, how will it end so the cycle can end, how do I end this, how do I stop feeling sad and worthless and like things I do to try to better myself and move forward, why do I always stop them because the worthless feeling takes over. Why does the worthless feeling take over? Why am I worthless? IDK.
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