Last night...

I had fun last night, I hung out with my sister and got really high, I'm not really one for doing that. But it was fun. We just talked a lot about crap really haha about men and her friends and money and Idk just whatever really. She struggles too with depression and weird eating habits, I think hers might be more eating disorder tho or I'm not sure, I can't really say when Im not her you know. Me and her used to be really close, and we did a whole lot of really fucked up things like telling each other to starve or purge and supporting each other when we didn't eat and lost more weight and that sort of thing. That was a few years back now when thinspo was really big on Tumblr. I dont think she's doing so well right now, she barely eats, and gets stoned everyday. She's a single mum, and the father is a real dick, she's trying to get him to sign over his rights now, because he's bad for her son, he's unreliable and irresponsible and immature and doesn't even care about the kid, he just uses him to have a way of controlling her. Its not a very nice situation actually.
She does have good friends tho, who understand what being a single mum is like, and the awful partners. She's very careful now, because her son was an accident, she's almost over careful because she cannot get knocked up again with a guy who's not serious about her and doesn't love her etc.

Life is hard, we make mistakes and all have our own problems. And I guess we're not alone even tho we may feel like it. It really nice seeing her, puts things into perspective for me. Ive had this depression for a long long time. And its just time to move on now. I really want to be a scientist (cardiologist) and this depression will take it away from me. Its not as easy as just 'moving on' but its ruining my life, so, if I want something then I should suck up the fear and just go for it. The world is bigger than me.

Long time no speak

Ive been away for a while, Ive wanted to post but I've had a few tests and lab reports to worry about so I haven't had much time.

I dont have that much to say, once during work I had thought up some things to write about because I dislike my job lol (understatement) and now I've forgotten what I even wanted to say, and then last week after I had two tests in one day I went and got a facial, I couldn't relax so I couldn't enjoy it properly and then I just felt depressed and sad and idk numb as I was walking around the city. I feel like that at work too, but is that just indulging this depression? Idk, I don't really understand it. Im supposed to be a med-sci student so I know scientifically whats going on in my brain but these feelings -like WHY? it doesn't make sense.

I haven't been able to concentrate so much so my grades have slipped a little bit, right now I'm only getting B's instead of A's. But I can't concentrate! I study for maybe two hours and my brain is like 'omg give me a break already!!!!!'

I used to read a lot, last summer I read 30 books maybe and it really helped with this depression, but then I also wanted to get better, so it was books and my will against this depression, but now its depression against me, because I can't concentrate on books properly -I don't get out of them what I did during the summer- and I'm tired of fighting, I am, why do I need to fight? I don't want to just give up but why do I need to fight? I don't want these thoughts consuming me and overcoming me, but I'm so alone! I have no one to talk to about this, no one understands, I don't even understand or wouldn't know where to start. But my boyfriend he had like a 'different' type of depression, if there is even a different type, idk I guess depression is really personalised and effects everyone differently. But I can't talk to him because he doesn't know what to say (who would though right?)
its just hard, because I feel alone, but if he were reading this he'd probably come and hug me and make me feel not alone, thats the reaction I would want, but I think he would tell me 'you can't let this destroy you, everything you've worked so hard for' I know he means well and I know what he's saying is true, but its not what I need because I know it already, but I just need a hug to know that I'm not alone.

Life among the dead

I really struggle with getting out of bed in the morning, I never thought this was one of my symptoms but it is, because I literally cannot do it. Ive had to take a few days off work where I start early because I knew I was going to be late, and I hate being late, sets off all kind of anxiety bells. I keep missing my uni classes because I wake up way after they've started. Its terrible, and I keep letting people down, but the thought of being in public idk, home has a certain kind of comfort, esp since I can study at home quite well. But what happens after I graduate and am put in a real job where I actually have to turn up everyday? How do people do it? I need to get pasts depression and leave it behind, I don't want to be defined by depression or controlled by it anymore. This is the reason for my bog, blogging about the struggles of being depressed and how I'm going to overcome it. So if no one ever reads it, well I guess its more for me to let things out anyway, but it would be cool to talk to other people, I lack that since I don't have many friends (actually only one -my boyfriend, which depression puts a huge strain on our relationship and I can't really talk to him about this anymore.) So if this blog ever finds anyone, please be my friend.

I was ment to meet a friend at uni to study with, but she cancelled on me last night so I decided I wasn't going in and I woke up at 12pm. Then I check my phone and she was there, this sleeping in thing is really costing me. Theres no point in complaining, I just need to find a way to move past all of this.

My day is going to consist of.. a pretty normal breakfast, and immunology study for a test I have next Friday.

A page from the chapter I am looking at.