Living with Depression

What is depression and why do we do what we do? Even when it harms us, and makes our situation 10x worse.

That is the question I do not have the answer for.

Depression is like having an evil voice in your head, not really speaking to you -no I wouldn't describe it like that, it more takes over your own rational thoughts, it makes you make bad decisions, and yes, we can control it. BUT when you're in so deep you can't control it, the helplessness is so severe its drowning you, it makes you feel so helpless and venerable that you actually believe that this is just you. Its just what you do, how you cope, what your life is. It defines you. You feel like you can't change or do anything different because even if you do depression will always find a way back, its like its inevitable. Those that depression picked out and clung on too, it never leaves. What depression makes us do, its like a comfort or a saftey blanket, even though its not fun or comforting, but we are alone, we don't have to face the consequences, this is what depression does.

Depression makes us lazy and mean, we push those that love us away and refuse to leave the house because the anxiety of facing the public or your boss/friends/anyone who matters is too great.

Anyone whose never experienced depression will scoff and think 'why do you do this to your self, why do you act this way, its not that hard to get out of bed and go to work like everyone else'. And yes this may sound true in theory, but living with depression, the anxiety becomes so bad that you can not force yourself to leave the bathrooms or bus or anywhere that isn't work. Depression takes away our confidence and sanity, it makes us weak and probably a little pathetic.

So how do we stop it from destroying our lives and taking away everything we love? Truthfully I don't know. I ask this everyday, why can I not cope like a normal person, why can I not just get up and deal with my day like everyone else. Why is it so hard for me? Why am I depressed and anxious? Why is this my life? Is this all its ever going to be?

I don't know how to deal with life. I don't know how to be normal like everyone else. Depression is a selfish and self-indulgent disorder, I will admit that, its not an excuse for not doing things or failing to meet deadlines. It just makes us so helpless and feel so inadequate.

This is the point where you need to ask for help, because struggling on your own isn't cutting it anymore.